Together We Bond

You are not alone We are there and therefore Together we Bond

Death Trap November 4, 2006

Filed under: Matrimonial Conflicts,Parenthood — togetherwebond @ 7:26 am

I had met Sripriya online three years ago while looking for a roommate. She was a victim of a physically abusive marriage and had recently undergone surgery for a leg that her husband had broken in a fit of rage. She was legally separated at the time and was looking for a roommate to help pay the bills as she recuperated. We never ended up meeting in person as I did not need to move to her town in the end. We stayed in touch by e-mail and phone.

Talking to Sripriya always leaves me emotionally drained. Knowing her condition, I feel guilty when I don’t respond to her e-mails or try to call her at a time when I can get by with leaving a voicemail message. I realize how she feels desperately lonely in a situation that seems like a death trap – that she just needs to talk to save her sanity. Talk to someone she thinks would have empathy for her – it is just too overwhelming to be that person.

She has a twelve year old daughter who lives in India with her family – a helpless pawn in a game involving a two adults – one dangerously violent and the other precariously helpless battling through a complex legal maze. For the longest time I though Sripriya was divorced or was at least on trying to get out of a marriage that was making a physical and psychological wreck of her. I would have sworn she had told me the very first time we spoke that the papers had been filed. She pines for her child who is growing up alone in a hostel in another continent, feels like a failure for not being a mother to her, compensates by mailing gifts and spending any time she can in India.

Sripriya used to be a practicing physician when she was in India. Today she can hardly speak in coherent sentences. Thoughts collide with each other randomly as she moves aimlessly in space and time – you hear one thing now in fifteen minutes she has contradicted herself ten times. The same events are recounted endlessly in several different ways and it is up to the listener to arrive at the truth. She has been through so much that she probably cannot distinguish between truth, lie, fiction, fear, hope, dream and despair. There is a breathless, anxiety about her high-pitched speech that makes it impossible to interject with any dispassionate thought that may help her step outside her situation for a little bit and see issues for what they are.

Yet this cannon ball of confusion, contradiction, self-pity, hopelessness verging on borderline insanity is one of the most loving and generous people I have come across. I remember telling her that I was in the US trying to get a steady job so I could afford to bring J to live with me and she said “I would not dream of asking you to pay me rent. I will find another roommate and you can live for free like my sister”. This from a woman who had her utilities disconnected for not being able to pay for them. I was moved to tears at the gesture.

I talked to Sripriya after a long time last evening. I was glad to see her pause between her sentences, to have her explain her legal situation in terms that finally made sense. Some things have improved but a lot remains the same. The divorce is yet to come, her child still lives in India, the husband has put out a paid online matrimonial ad and says that he still wants to stay married with her.
I would love for time to heal her completely turn her back into the person she must have been over fifteen years ago. I pray Sripriya, that you get back the life you have lost and much more.

By Heartcrossings http://www.heartcrossings.blogspot.com/

Advertisements
 

34 Responses to “Death Trap”

  1. Iturkarp Says:

    It always bothers me that educated women are also accepting the fate of being abused than raising up to the occassion & fight back & be on their own. I wonder why a Physician leave herself to be subjected to such humiliation as you wrote, “Sripriya used to be a practicing physician when she was in India. Today she can hardly speak in coherent sentences”. I can understand some uneducated, economica;;y dependent lady from village might bear such abuse buy can’t undersatnd educated, economically sustainable women subject themselves to such abuse. Can some one explain this?

  2. Vishalakshi Says:

    Dear HeartCrossings,
    Can you please give me Supriya’s contact details? When I read your article about her, I kept thinking about what I can do for her. I want to send her encouraging and soothing words in email and also make sure that she recovers soon. I think thats what she needs now. I am going to post a message in our group about her today. I hope she will get a lot of response. I will not give her contact details to anyone unless I verify their authenticity. Please email her contact details to vpidaparthi@yahoo.com

    Vishalakshi

  3. PurpleA Says:

    Iturkarp

    Education or no education—it has nothing to do with enduring the sufferings.

    It is the biggest myth that education will free you or keep you away from domestic violence. All my life I was taught this or rather given and made this impression.

    But, when we educated women face abuse we DO NOT realize it that we are actually falling victims to the violence because we thought it never can happen to us or is happening to us.

    Only when things take a worst turn do we realize it. Sometimes it is too late.

    Also when we do realize it, we are embarassed to admit it because of the stigma attached to it.

    This I speak from my personal experience.

  4. Prakruti Says:

    Purple A
    I do agree with you. Education can give you financial independence but cannot free your heart and soul. This needs a lot more and is not an easy task.

    My heart goes out to this lady and I send up a fervent prayer for her..

    Prakruti

  5. SriPriya Says:

    Hello All,
    I am very thankful for HeartCrossings for intorducing me and my story to you all. I am very thankful for the grace of God and all your prayers for me. Yeah I will keep looking into your postings as and when time permits and love to cope with my traumatic stress.

    Note to Itukarp, dear please dont misunderstand me. I did feel guilty of giving the second chance to my husband but I am not guilty of not forgiving any person. Some people learn when they burn and me I am all burnt now so What can I say? Did I again contradict myself? I have a very lovely and beautiful gal out of this stupid marriage. I love her very much so I can say I tried to save the marriage which is not one way road. It takes two people and he is very uncooperative.Remember he is very learned person but very manipulative by his family, his Dad, his Brother and his Sister. I had to move on with their curses which made no difference then and I ignored them and always hoped for betterment or improvement. I was all broken then I learnt and got my strength from my broken body. Hello I am human and I am not perfect, dont judge me and take me that as I am educated I am very perfect in everything. Now I try to volunteer and give my strength to others which gives me joy that atleast they will not break like me. I am always a giver and its hard for me. Hope you all understand me.

    SriPriya

  6. PurpleA Says:

    Sri Priya

    I admire you…..we all do.

    I too have endured atrocities that broke my will power and ruined my self esteem for years. Today when I look back I shudder at some instances.

    I too had forgiven my husband many times hoping against hope that a miracle would happen. Today I have no regrets that I never tried. I tried to save my marriage in evey possible way I could ….and in the process compromised on several issues that started affecting me.

    But I moved on and I only look back to remember the good times that we had and feel good about it.

    We are all with you. This group and some of the members above have helped me come out of my grief.

  7. Vidhya M.S. Says:

    SriPriya

    We are all with you. It is wonderful that you came on this platform to converse with us. HC thanks for inroducing us to her. I think you are a brave lady and your help to other women will ensure that they do not endure the same what you have.God Bless you! Take care

  8. Itukarp Says:

    Dear Sri Priya and Others:
    1. Please pardon me if I have hurt you Sri Priya, with my comments of how educated women could be so gullible to be in a Death Trap of marriage for so long.
    2. I am sure most of you, if not all of you have come out successfully, from such a sham marriage (It becomes sham when the wife loves (with her heart & soul) her husband; but the Husband does not really love but more focused on how to “Control” and dominate the wife and more often, how to exploit her earnings from her job or thru some Dowry to make a living out her hard work. I meant that education gives us all some sort of logical analytical reasoning to find this “sham” in a short time.
    3. However, most wait till they are mentally, physically & emotionally hurt beyond recognition in ever possible way, before they seek a divorce form such a monster. While women who are not educated and economically dependent of that husband can not easily get out of such a sham marriage, (unless they prefer to be on the street?), I would encourage thru this column, to recognize the husbands who are exploiters and dominating tyrants who misuse their position as a husband at an earlier opportunity.
    4. The endless months or years spent on “Correcting” such a husband to civility and their relatives who are all sycophants for his evil design and that the society they were brought up made it to look like standard practice ( I know Sati is abolished in India quite for some time and so is child marriages!)In Indian culture and traditions, you would all agree such a “waiting period” is a big emotional devastation for the young kids who are silent observers in such a debacle. We should not put them thru such a phase which would affect their psyche forever.
    5. Thus, I have no intent to hurt you Sri Priya, but applaud your courage in finally getting out of such a sham marriage. I am sure these website members would be a great help to your splattered bruised emotions. I wish you and your daughter happiness forever. I hope you do not bemoan that your ex- is seeking another victim thru some matrimonial advertisement.
    6. My comments were for those who are in this situation as of date and do not know how to get of such marriage and not meant for Sri Priya who already succeeded in her effort to get out.

    Best Wishes

  9. SriPriya Says:

    Hi All,
    I am fine and did understand everything what our Itukarp was saying, hey you did not hurt me. I understand your concerns for me. The point was why I took time or stayed in a bad relationship. It was hard to stay and it took same courage to live that life of the stupid beautiful sweet bird with her wings cut and cannot fly free out of the cage. But by Gods grace I am free and very happy now. I have lot of joy as its a free bird life now. But I have to go thru more pain all the time when I meet him as my daughter’s other parent. I feel very traumatic now. Its like sending my beloved into that terrible cage of so called parenthood. I dont feel guilty of not giving him second chance. I tried but he never can change until he tries himself with Almighty’s power. I am just having blows and blows again and again. Hope someone can help out. I felt joy for me when he placed the shaadi.com advt and I thot he will give me freedom by getting remarried, but he plays hard on me, he just want to have fun, which is what is troubling me? Why dont he get rid of me and have his way hooking up with anyone. My hope is been fading in marriage. Its become very slow process to trust or believe anyone again. I ThankGod for my little girl is in hostel and should not have to go thru this, but she is my responsibilty. I want to enjoy bringing her up with my own hands. I miss her school. I am living a hell thinking of her each minute. I love my daughter but dont mistake it or misjudge me as love for other parent. I hate him and more so now as he is being very hard on me and also harsh on the poor little kid, yes who is his own blood. How can one be so insensitive? Any animal loves their kids, or even that foolish king who placed hands on his own child so the kid turned gold. I cannot understand why so cruel are these men who go for money honey n money honey n money honey, why so greed? I keep thinking always why not make changes to these system. Yes Sati and other women issues are abolished now, how wonderful. Hope to see more changes soon for the betterment of all our women and our beloved children.

    Thanks,
    SriPriya
    http://www.asianwomensafety.net

  10. Neha Says:

    Way to go girl….I hope you achieve all your goals. Glad you are happy

  11. Iturkarp Says:

    Thanks. I wanted to quit writing as I felt somewhat guilty!

  12. SriPriya Says:

    To Purple A and All my Buddies,
    Hi Purple A,
    Did you mention you moved on and now only look back to remember the good times that u had and feel good about it. How is it possible for you?
    My memories are never good ones, its pain for me to have the memory too. How is it possible to keep me happy in those memories? Ofcourse the first days of my marriage were ok but did have terrible issues of dowry money etc. It never worked out. Marriage is over n I have no grief for losing this marriage. But how can I take care of my broken soul. I will never ever trust anyone, how did you rebuild your trust. I want to have some tips from you if its ok for you.

    SriPriya
    htt://www.asianwomensafety.net

  13. Purple A Says:

    Hi
    Yes the good memories also bring some pain because we are not together anymore. Nevertheless there were umpteem wonderful times. Let us say I think about some specific incidents that were memorable—I thank God that I experienced it and it is my memory now.
    Also simultaneously feel bad that he is not around—which again is my decision coz I decided to seperate.
    With regard to me having moved on with my life. Yes it is possible . I left him, found a place to live in and have my own routine , new friends and new goals. There is no harm in looking back and refreshing some wonderful memories while we were together.

  14. SriPriya Says:

    Hey Purple A, Its better for me not to think about the past now. It was really a battle to be forgotten. I feel very harmful to even keep a tiny memory, like its a bad memory or a bad dream. But yes good dream is my daughter, I dwell in her future. She is little now but I imagine her to be a teenage gal soon. She wanted to be me but I want her to be herself. Its fun to let kids understand this bcoz when I was a kid I did the same just imitated my parents. But yeah how nice if I were not an adult and to be a kid again as beloved by all family members. I believe esp the girl kids who are elder-sisters or most of all the first kids in family take all responsibilty on their shoulders and keep their ownself neglected. The elderones, sisters in family are totally devoted. I do have those nice memories with my family but this marriage came in as blunder. I will not lose anyones life for saving this marriage. I need lot of prayers and blessings to get me out of this GLUETRAP.

    SriPriya
    http://www.asianwomensafety.net

  15. SriPriya Says:

    Hello Purple A and All my Buddies,
    I am okay not to remember past as my past was a cruel one. Its better for me to forget the battle of past. Its a war never to have happened. I am afraid of being harmed in that horrible memories. I take that as bad dream and pass on. I donot want to lose anyones life in the battles. I request all your prayers and blessings to get out of this wicked GLUETRAP.
    My beautiful dream is my little one who is tiny now as I dream into future. I imagine the teenager. I dwell in her future. She loves me and she want to be me. But I want her to be herself. I was very special girl. Its funny with kids sometimes they imitate us so much that they want to be adults soon. I remember my childhood and laugh it off. Its good to laugh and cry. I believe the elderones, esp girls as elder sisters take total responsibility onto thier shoulders making everyone in their whole family happy while they neglect their ownself. I was so happy as teenager but suddenly something happened everything is lost and what I see is my broken soul. I have seen the worse but I prayed so much and Thanked God for keeping me Alive still. I remember that song “Dukh to Apna Saathi hai” I have pain which is universal but then Hope is universal too. Love never hurts, never lets anyone down. Love cannot be conquered or stolen. Love is Not abuse. Love always gives Love. Love when shared is multiplied. Love continues on and on.

    SriPriya
    http://www.asianwomensafety.net

  16. SriPriya Says:

    Thanks Purple A. I welcome your input. I am very glad to find a freind in you. Take care.

    SriPriya
    http://www.asianwomensafety.net

  17. SriPriya Says:

    Dear Vishalakshi, PurpleA, Prakruti, Vidhya. M.S, Neha, Iturkarp and ALL my wonderful friends in group, Good news!! All your prayers are answered. Finally my divorce is coming thru soon, I am out of the death trap. I am very much enjoying my wonderful moments and I just cant wait to get back what I lost since 13yrs bondage. I thankyou for all your wonderful prayers for me and all my family as I am going to be free soon a pure bliss for me as I know I can again get all my happiness and joy like I had in before 13yrs from today. I am looking much younger and more beautiful again. No wonder my life is so beautiful now. I am happy to be divorced, no bounds and no limits to my freedom of happiness, peace, love, success and joy.

    SriPriya.
    http://www.asianwomensafety.net

  18. Prakruti Says:

    Sripriya..
    I am really glad to hear your news. Bless you and may you have a lovely life!!
    Savitha

  19. SriPriya Says:

    Thanks Savitha. I am very very happy.
    Love your blog…. http://doorgagankichaonmain.blogspot.com and all the pics you post there. May all your dreams come true.

    SriPriya.

  20. Prakruti Says:

    Hi Sripriya..
    Hope you are doing well after the divorce and feel peace and happiness in your life. Sometimes when I feel free and happy I think of many other women and wonder if they will get here too. Its a matter of time and patience, and learning to take the dissapointments and loniless in ones stride too..
    Take care. Thanks for you comments on my blog..
    Savitha

  21. SriPriya Says:

    Hello there,
    Happiness has came when I rcvd the complaint. Peace is just there. Yeah its getting nasty there and like to share my personal thots with you Savitha. Pls email me in the group and chat with me, need your suggestions for all support and any references are most welcome.

    Love,
    SriPriya

  22. John Doe Says:

    Hi All,
    I stumbled on this site from HC’s blog and was reading through some of the stories and it got me thinking… “What the hell is wrong with us Indian men? “. Well let me introduce myself, I’m a grad student at an American University doing a fancy major, and in between experiments find the time to do some real reading on the web and that is how I stumbled on this blog.
    First off, kudos to you ladies I think I have seen some of the bravest Indian women gathered here. Secondly, my mother is a victim of spousal abuse, and all these years she has managed to shrug it off like it was nothing. I have vivid memories of my dad hitting her when I was a kid, and the clearest memory was the day before my 5th grade math exam. She held on to my hand, locked myself and herself in the bathroom, bend down looked at me and said that she was sorry I had to see what was happening, tears rolled down her eyes as she said this and I remember looking at her and telling her that I love her. The next thing she does was to drink that whole bottle of medication, I stood there like an idiot wondering what she had just done, meanwhile my father was banging on the door outside asking her and me to open the door. I must say that at that age I was shit scared of my dad and when he was in one of these moods I would like to run away. To make a long story short, by god’s grace nothing happened to her. These were quite frequent in my household, and these were not because of dowry, it happened as a result of my dad’s propensity for violence when he is drunk.
    Spousal abuse is a rampant problem in Indian culture, and especially men have a nasty temper, being able to reason now, I notice that sometimes I have violent outburst just when thing don’t happen the way i want it to. Do you think that having seen these outbursts growing up, I have these violent tendencies? Just curious….

    Sorry that I’ve put my name as John Doe. I would like my anonymity preserved and would identify myself only if my privacy can be guaranteed.

    Thank you all for reading my post. Any and all insights in this matter is welcome.

  23. Prakruti Says:

    Hi John Doe..
    Thanks for sharing your ideas with the group.

    I have been in an abusive marriage too. I have been hit (once) but its a bad feeling and one lives in the fear of this happening again. Every time there was a clash of tempers I withdrew as I did not want to instigate a violent attack. Verbal abuse can be as bad and evoked a similar reaction in me. I wanted out but did not have the courage for many years and also hoped against hope that all will be well one day. But I am truly happy with my life today. I wish many women would have the courage to do what is to be done for the sake of their happiness. My kids miss their father, inspite of everything as we did share many sober and happy moments too!!

    ONE of the risk factors for alcoholism is heriditary (i am not sure about propensity for violence) but then so is diabetes.. When you have diabetes, you abstain from rich foods, exercise and make life style changes. My kids and me have a deal – to abstain completely. May be it is bit drastic..may be they wont stick to it when they grow up..but if it means saving them from alcoholism.. why not!! I dont think violent behaviour is heriditary.. from experience with family in India. You yourself have the most influence and control on your emotions. It comes from within, not from the outside. People in very similar situations can think, feel and react differently. YOU decide whether to be happy, sad, angry, jealous, etc.. The good thing is that you recognise your shortcomings and therefore can work proactively towards changes your attitude.

    All the best
    Prakruti..

  24. Rita Says:

    Yes its common to have fears in kids who witnessed terrible violence in their past. We often see children hiding themselves inside their rooms and mainly in closets, under beds, blankets or closing their eyes when they see violence. Its common that such kids need lot of love, assurance and trust to let their fears be removed. And remember violence is not hereditary, its a learned behaviour and you can unlearn it.
    Bad behaviours have their patterns, we learn good behaviour and become good. But if you pick bad behaviour then you have rehab, many ppl change with help. There is nothing to be ashamed asking for help.

  25. PurpleA Says:

    I dont think rehab works for women beaters or changes them.

    ONCE A BEATER ALWAYS A BEATER
    ONCE AN ABUSER ALWAYS AN ABUSER.

    Rehabs are only ways to give those people a second chance because after all we are humans.

    Once can quit smoking , one can stop the habbit of stealing and one can quit the habbit of lying

    But i repeat.

    ONCE A BEATER ALWAYS A BEATER
    ONCE AN ABUSER ALWAYS AN ABUSER.

  26. Hi John

    That was a sensitive anecdote of yours. I hope with time your wounds would have healed. If your mother is internet savvy please ask her to join our yahoo group. We would love to hear from her

    Regarding your temper outbursts, one of the ways to deal with it is , simple meditation. It will wonders.

  27. SriPriya Says:

    Yep, I have given several second chances to my abuser. I dont regret and beat upon it. No one can change until they want to and also denying help for change is not good either. It takes lot of courage to ask help. Doe can get it if he helps him out. Remember God helps them who help themselves. The first thing is you recognise your outbursts….ofcourse anger is one leter short of danger.

    Well said Prakruti.

    All the best to you Doe. May God bless you.

    I agree with Rita, with help there is lot of good change. I have new life and new goal.

    Love,
    SriPriya.

  28. Leave me alone Says:

    This unsound lady is calling me since many days and crying and cryins. She thinks her story is the only one that painful. Just because the rest of us dont say anything and dont sob, does not mean that we are not in pain. I have very little respect for women like her how cry and dont work. Please remove her from this site. This story is a shame. I have even asked her to stop calling me but she calls all the time and complains about others now. No one wants to talk to her. Please stop calling me and bugging me. Dont you get the message when I do not answer your calls. Do not email me or even send me offline messages also.

  29. Husband Says:

    This creature reminds me of my wife who has taken my daugther away from me. But she will not go far. After being in USA for several years she still has not been able to have a decent living , or continue her profession. She has failed all the time. She depends on me for alimony and free money. But being my child’s mother I will give her that. Just the way we give it to P******** for their paid service. Once my child will ask her who anyway hates, will spit on her face. Ladies like this only go to hell. They pretend to be the victims, depressed all the time 24/7, self pity and no work, no responsibilities. so much so that she has kept our child away from her because she cannot afford and for money she comes to beg from me shamelessly like a P*********. Shame shame shame. Please be aware of her, she is not depressed but pretends to be and can be violent.

  30. Situ Says:

    (refrain from personal attacks).

  31. Jyothy Says:

    (refrain from false attacks)

  32. Well Wisher Says:

    Miss Jyothi

    Kindly stay away from women who are in distress and stop bugging everyone with your self seeking attention exercises of self pity. You have been banned from the group and this site until you improve your language, tone and ways and get some medical help. Kindly clear your heart from any vile intentions.

    A lot of single mothers in the group are fearing your presence because out of anger you say anything and pose as a threat. Seeking attention, indulging in self pity and fabricating stories are signs of someone who has a major misbalance. Try not to be self centered and self fish.

    RISE and serve and help others. If you cannot fulfill your commitments that you yourself volunteered for, there is no need to go into hiding to create a self seeking excercise of attention. Your little plan blew up on your face, backfired terribly. There are lessons to be learnt. We are here to help only those who want to help themselves.

    It was through this site that we welcomed you into our lives and hearts so kindly stop your nuisance and dirty back biting. The word gets around as people can see the truth and know the truth. Hopefully one day better sense will prevail upon you and your heart is restored.

    Kindly do some introspection on the following
    1) Why you were isolated from the picnic 2 months back
    2) Why your group friends were not answering your calls
    3) Why no one wants to meet up with you locally
    4) Why you are banned from the group.
    5) Why no one returns your calls or take you out with their kids.

    Imposing threats on your well wishers who are themselves in crisis will not serve any purpose. In fact you will find yourself in isolation.

    Rise and help and serve others. It will help you. We all pray for you see the light and get appropriate guidance.

  33. Mr Husband

    get lost and get a life.

  34. CooperM Says:

    (stop misleading and copying and pasting- Kindly take our kind request into consideration-any personal attacks on spouses need to be dealt outside this forum)


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s