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Desi Matri Ad Phraseology January 19, 2007

Filed under: Reflections — togetherwebond @ 8:40 am

This is not going to be nearly as succinct as the inspiration for this post but here goes. There are some common themes ( I describe only two here) that run through the slew of ads on desi matrimonial sites. Many of these belong to married men out there to have some fun or separated men who have no idea if or when they will get a divorce. Some are really as they claim single and looking. Irrespective of their marital status, they borrow from a common lexicon to describe who they are and what they seek.

Theme 1 : The woman they seek

What they say : She should be modern and at the same time respect traditional values or Must be westernized but believe in our Indian values

What they mean : Should be able to shake some serious booty while on a night on the town but must like Cinderella at the stroke of the midnight hour turn into the ideal Indian bahu cast in the mould of Sooraj Barjatya heroines. Nothing less will fly with Mommie dearest described as the “best Mom in the whole world” in the “My Family” section of the profile.

What they say : She should like to explore and learn something new or be fun, professional and adventurous or seeking to share “cool” moments with someone energetic and open-minded or looking forward to meet someone with whom I have chemistry and we click on various levels to start a long-term relationship and enjoy the thrills that go with it – holidays, romance, and fun of course

What they mean : The importance of being fun, adventurous and spontaneous in bed cannot be overemphasized. She should be willing to give anal sex a shot with lube of course and shed any and all inhibitions in the spirit of learning something new. After all she needs to realize that she is in competition with thousands of other younger women, tighter women who are eager to travel the distance. This is also known as the great desi male fantasy based on their mostly imaginary sexual prowess. Some phraseology of interest :”open-minded”, “energetic”, “click at various levels”, “fun”.

What they say : Incase you have come out of a relationship then please ensure that you are totally over your ex and prepared to move on with life or please do not bring any baggage from your past and be ready to move on

What they mean : I don’t want to hear about what an asshole your ex was. I feel a sense of kinship with the desi brotherhood. If he acted like a jerk you must have done something to trigger that kind of behavior. Bad mouthing your ex is the best way to lose my attention and interest so don’t even try. If you tell me that you had some great times together I’m going to have to ask to go back to where you were so happy. Why are you wasting my time ? I will whine, rave and rant about my ex until the cows come home simply because I need to work her out of my system.

Theme 2: Who they are

What they say : easy-going, honest, caring, and intelligent or ambitious, dreamy, enthusiastic, introverted or professionally successful but don’t let my career rule my life or I work hard and play even harder or spontaneous, good hearted, confident or have a great outlook on life, ambitious, passionate, kind and generous or I am suave, sophisticated and intelligent. Even after living in the US for 10 years I still remember my Indian roots.

What they mean : What else do you need to hear to so feel its okay to sleep with me in short order ? I am your Mills and Boons hero come to life only I am desi like you to make it perfect.
I am trying to think of all the things that my ex-wife, girlfriend accused me of not having – the bi-polar bitch had no idea what she was talking about.

I am suffering from a major identity crisis even without being an ABCD. My career is non-existent and I the next time I get laid off, I am going to take my side business of screening Bollywood flicks at the local theater on the road. The desi grocery store gig is saturated. I am “caring” in that I care tremendously about making sure that I fully check out the offerings in the matrimonial market and get the best deal.

What they say : I enjoy wining, dining, and meeting new people or I am adventurous and will try anything at least once or I love to travel, explore different cultures, have an ear for music, like finer things in life or I have a sense of adventure and am not afraid to try new things or I have traveled to Texas, Kansas, Missouri, California, Maine, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Virginia, Connecticut, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Florida, New York, and many countries in Europe and Asia.

What they mean : For the uninitiated these lines result in the impression that desi males have adventuring in their DNA like they were cloned from Macro Polo. In truth, these are filler words used to reach the minimum word count required for the profile to be published successfully. Technically it is possible to substitute all of that baloney with honest to goodness truth which is: “I am an average bloke with no passion or hobbies outside following Indian cricket news online, catching the latest Bollywood flicks ( I tried the Netflix thing and still have a membership), managing my investments and trying to stay employed and debt free in these difficult times. I hang out at the Indian buffet on the weekends and volunteer at the temple to pass the time. “

“I have no plan for my future. I would have gone back to India in a heartbeat but women don’t want to marry men who will not stay in the States. Finally I count the layovers at Charles De Gaulle and Heathrow on my annual pilgrimages to India as visits to Paris and London. My friends have not covered as many states in the US as I have. And by the way pit stops count”

By Heartcrossings – http://heartcrossings.blogspot.com/

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13 Responses to “Desi Matri Ad Phraseology”

  1. PurpleA Says:

    Heartcrossings,

    Reading this article is hilarity ensured all the way!! I so loved it. The impostors they are to the core, it is not a surprise to any of us—who have the live experience.

    My ex use to tell that he is very broad minded , does not mind if I work and proceed with my career. His mother told me that she dreamt of having a highly educated daughter etc etc.

    What they meant and expected, was that I work and bring in the moolah. But that is not all. Surrender my entire salary to them and they will instead give me pocket money. And this was not an option. I actually gave them my salary for several months. And when I stopped—it was utter chaos. That’s when the torture started and the games began.

    And now the very same men are trying their luck in matrimonial columns, what is worse with those expectations of culture requisites . They need another dose seems like.

  2. Rekha Says:

    This is so humorous — a right mixture of sarcasm and pun. Be aware—the leeches are still out there with their high-end order list. The buffet places are filled with them—or so I hear. Cheap people think and eat cheap. If you ever see them shop at the Indian Grocery store, you will hear them asking for the big packet of maggi noodles with one free. (now these don’t look like students) .

  3. SriPriya Says:

    Hello Friends,
    This has become very serious now with all this fraudulent marriages. How is it we all can prevent ourselves from getting hurt again from this non sense stuff?
    HC you have lot of truth in your article. Its not funny anymore though you wrote this in a comic sense. I agree with you, my ex is still being nasty, can you blv he actually filmed a hollywood movie and the bitter truth is he denies money to pay child support but spends money for producing and directing. What an investment plan? Lets see what happens on the coming support hearing now in Feb2007. He did not show up in family court last time then may be he was busy with his feature film. This is so sad for all of us but very true, most desi men are now a days playing pretty funny.
    God only can help.

  4. Kiran Says:

    Sripriya

    Awareness will work. People know!! HC said one thing correct . They are cheap –what with them and their endless demands. Demand for good looks, demand for indian culture and demand for DOWRY. They hate to work and this is what they do in their free time.

  5. Gowry Says:

    I agree with you Kiran awareness has brought lot of positive change. All of the article above was beautiful. Well done HC, you have lot of hidden talent in you. I am longing to meet you soon. Keep writing.

  6. VK Says:

    hi sripriya, my roomate had your situation once, if the husband doesn’t show up for support the court will send a arrest warrant if he continues to do so and in my friends case he went to jail (for a day and out on bail) and has been paying her money ever since – 4 years now.

    so I say let him not attend the court for a few more times.
    good luck

    VK

  7. Preeti D. Says:

    Hey Heart Crossings,

    I am dipping my toes into the murky waters of the marriage market again — your descriptions were just so uncannily accurate that they sent a shiver up my spine. These are the kinds of profiles that I read on all the matrimonial sites — one would think that Indian men are God’s gift to women. Then you see the real package and it turns out that when he says he’s liberal it means he’s liberal about his smoking, drinking and his visits to the strip club.
    The wife on the other hand, has to possess Aishwarya’s looks, Einstein’s intellect, a porn star’s sexual apetite, be as devoted a wife like Savitri and earn the moolah and whip up hot meals after a long day at work. And then the wife has to hand over a fat dowry in eternal gratitude for having landed such a paragon of manly virtues.
    Yep, desi guys make really fabulous husbands, don’t they?

  8. Kiran Says:

    I wish you all luck Preeti D. May your angels guide you and find you the very best!!!
    Keep us updated.

    I too agree the matrimonial sections suck big time and most men in there are married but not divorced. Most men have kids and dont disclose it. Some are divorced but forget to mention it.

  9. Preeti Says:

    Thanks Kiran, wish you luck too 🙂 Oh my God, why do men not disclose details like marriage/ children etc? Wouldn’t they expect the same level of honesty from divorced women? What is WRONG with these men?

  10. HC Says:

    Thanks everyone for reading and leaving your comments. I hope this helps all of us who are trying to find a life partner in the murky waters of desi matri sites spot the losers right away God knows we don’t have the time and energy to waste over them.

  11. Subhadra Says:

    HC,
    Your thotful comments and beautiful posts are very heartwarming. Thank God for making you so beautiful. God bless you, no more murky waters for any of us. May you find lot of happiness forever…

    Subhadra.

  12. Inder Says:

    HC,
    I think it is very bold of you to bring these issues to the forefront. It is a nightmare to realize what we are dealing with everyday. Talk about not being honest. I came across this great guy (or so I thought), profile read ‘never married’ and when we started talking, after like the sixth conversation, he very casually mentioned…’oh! did I tell you I was married for FIVE years’ ?!!! I went back and checked the profile wondering if that was a detail I missed. That was not the case, the profile still read never married. I confronted the person and he casually passed it off as ‘false advertisement’ since there is so much stigma attached with being divorced. It left me wondering about how he would have reacted to false advt. on my behalf. I am sure he would have gone through the roof. God help us wonderful women! 🙂


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