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Expectations Management April 16, 2007

Filed under: Management,Reflections — togetherwebond @ 7:55 am

Very interesting article and puts into perspective what we in this day and age expect from marriages and relationships in general. Reinforces my opinion that life (happiness and sorrow) is all about managing expectations. And at times there is a breaking point quite unique and specific for specific situations and people…

When going through what I considered a difficult phase in my marriage, what struck me were the differences in perception around me. My maid for example, was ‘happy’ in her marriage as her husband did not beat her, he drank and took her money and did not help at home, did not work, but she thought it was OK.

Another colleague had a difficult time as she did not have any children and lived in joint family who constantly blamed her for that (with no evidence that this was in fact her ‘fault’), she had to hand over all her salary and received a meager pocket money for her expenses. After putting up with this for many years, she finally spoke about her problems to a small group of girls in the office and was surprised when she heard our views. What really was the breaking point for her (after many years of misery) was the fact that her husband refused to share their room and she had to sleep in the living room. A kind of public acknowledgement of their failed marriage. A blessing in disguise, if you ask me. She walked out and lived by herself afraid to go home to her parents. Then came the realization that life was not so bad on her own. In fact if she could manage to look beyond the stigma (a bit exaggerated) she was even enjoying life!

A very close friend of mine lived with her husband and daughter. She was also bringing up her sisters daughter. Her sister tragically passed away while the child was barely a year old and couldn’t be left with her father ( a long story and a bit out of context here). Her husband seemed to be constantly between jobs. He forced his family (including a battery of three sisters) on her with requests from them to cook for them, clean and baby sit for them and even buy things for them.. My friend was good at her job (though not a very high ranking one). She worked hard, managed home and finances, had a home loan for a flat she was buying, managed to spend time with the kids’ studies, other extracurricular activities and also made sure they had occasional fun, a movie, a picnic, etc. Suddenly her husband fell very ill and she realized that he had AIDS! He had been infected while cheating on her during his clandestine visits to ‘God knows where’ she said and couldn’t care less about the gory details. She nursed him through his treatment and counseling. A huge cost burden apart from the emotional trauma. Luckily she and the kids were not infected. But the breaking point was his behavior. He insisted on ‘unprotected sex’ a sure way to transmit the virus!!! So finally this was the breaking point for her. A realization that this person did not really care about his child or her. A difficult to explain situation to a society who thinks she is a demon to abandon a sick spouse, the NGOs who point out not to discriminate against AIDS, her own family who cant understand much of what is happening (ignorance). But she explained everything to her kids she said as she needed them to understand what she was going through!!

One could go on as there are so many stories and experiences like these.Marriages between physically and mentally challenged people are not different than others. Expectations have to be met and managed, but there they are likely to be significantly lower. Does that make it easier may be it is!

On a lighter vein, in a work related context, I heard the word ‘expectation based management’ from a HQ colleague recently. What he means that all work processes that have been carefully mapped and agreed upon, could basically take a walk. And this was a kind of top down approach where ‘expectations’ will be set and everyone is expected to deliver!!!

By Prakruti–


7 Responses to “Expectations Management”

  1. Mahila Says:

    I was appalled. I cannot imagine someone going through these kind of ordeals. I am so relieved that she or her kids did not get AIDS. I dont understand this guy, how can he ask for ‘unprotected sex’, on top of all the mess he created. Why God tests people like this? Its not fair.

    Please God, bring her all the peace in the world.

    After reading this article, I again reminded of the fact that how careful I should be in future, either reconsidering my ex or any other potential mate. Guys who are divorced or between the relationships, sleep with women, who are available. I know a number of people who are doing this.

    We can ask for medical records initially and agin after 6months, before making him a potential partner. But how can we guard ourselves from getting this, if the guy is constantly cheating on his wife.

    I have a crazy idea, since so many guys do not seem to discipline themselves well. We have access cards, badges to enter any building or premises. How about a guy can get erection only when that woman is his wife. Ha ha ha.

    Sorry for going too much into the imagination. My ex is sleeping with American women for free(dont ask me how, it is all controversial). Still trying to come to terms with this reality, so sometimes, I take the help of above ideas to get some relief.

    The institution of marriage, is completely falling apart. Leave along all the physical, mental, emotional, financial baggages that marriage is becoming a synonym for, Woman had to run for her life with the fear of getting AIDS. Vav, can this get any worse?

  2. Prakruti Says:

    Dear Mahila
    Thanks for your comments. Its dispairing to hear that one has to rely on medical and other records check and not on trust and decent behaviour any more..

  3. Tannu Says:

    It is appalling that the moron wanted to sleep with her and gladly pass on the virus to her. Talk about sadism –it is in full swing.
    The institution of marriage has fallen apart for me anyways. If I see my friends or cousins “happy” these days….I wonder if it is really true or a farce. I feel their clocks are ticking and only a matter of time before it falls apart.
    Not a coincidence that 2 of my close friends from school (who I had lost in touch with over the years) when I met them recently was pleasantly shocked that they too were divorced.
    For those who are genuinely are blessed—are actually truly blessed

  4. Ash Says:

    Most of the marriages I come across is where the woman is yearning to GET OUT but is tied down by fear, fear of lonliness, fear of what society will think. I too use to have these, unitl one day I broke free only to discover- life is beautiful. It is time to PARTY–full time, anytime , all the time.

  5. PurpleA Says:

    Expectations….ohhhhh –the root of all problems. It is a prison. Break free …… Life is truly a bliss then.

  6. Divya M S Says:

    Dear Prakruti

    I agree it is dispairing that we have to more and more rely on medical reports but I guess that is the order of the day. I think it is an amazing idea to get blood tests done prior to marriage and these days even before a relationship. You will not be suprised with the discoveries you might make !!!!!!
    What happened to your friend is creepy and she is lucky she got away and had a chance to share her story with you.
    Lets be more proactive!!!!

  7. Saintly Sita Says:

    Trust men to have the ability to stoop to the lowest troughs of human nature. God Almighty has given the human male the unique ability to stoop as low as his imagination and abilities allow.

    The males of other speices don’t have this unique ability, which is why they don’t wreak as much havoc as the human male does. Sadly, there are women galore who will put up with, and even condone abuse. So as long as there will be women willing to suffer abuse, there will be morons like the above-mentioned sadist. Indian women of course, are world champions in taking and justifying abuse and inequality.

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